Preparing for change, a bit melancholy

Walked my dog a bit today… thought some thoughts, realized some of the saying hello is saying goodbye.

On my religious blog (HHH) I talk often about the difference between what our cultural standards of “good” are and the will of God for our life – and when they conflict, that we have to choose the latter.   I talk about this because this is something I’ve wrestled with constantly.   At this point in life, I’m fairly well convinced that I’d have been a serious brat of a Pharisee if God hadn’t choke-chained me.  I’m grateful, intellectually, for the discipline, but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t mourn the road I’d rather have traveled.

The people with whom I choose to surround myself online are crunchy folk who value big families, country living, homeschooling, and spiritual rewards.  I live in SoCal, in a city where I’m living on water restrictions and clay soil better suited to home building than gardening.  I don’t have *room* to can, and now I’m sensitive to wheat (as is my husband) so there’s little sense in baking… a country life isn’t my life.

I’ve been considering this for a while, or why I have spent more time at the beach this year… it’s part of the “good stuff” that one gets from living in SoCal.  I’ve been trying to embrace the things that people in other parts of the country envy about my life, instead of sitting on my behind envying their lives.

I mentally shop quite a bit.  I’d figured out a couple of years ago what the “ideal dog” would look like.  Today I sucked it up and admitted that while I enjoy big dogs, I don’t enjoy having a dog *here*.   I like my dog, but I don’t like walking him on a leash.    There’s no joy in that for him, or for me.  (He does like a walk, but it’s not joy).  So, when he passes on, I probably won’t get another dog unless my husband takes up travelling for work.

The big dog goes with the country house and the acre of garden, the pantry bigger than my current bedroom, the quilting rack in the sunroom, an orchard and neighbors with a dairy and chickens.  That person is what my people hold up as “living right”.   If you can’t get there, you should try hard to get as close as possible.  -sigh-

I have confused serving God with living that life, ignoring how very many more people there are here to serve.  And then I get myself into another knot, thinking I should serve more officially at church.   Do you have any idea how many doors I’ve had closed in my face with church service?  It’s not even funny.

Authenticity is important.  When I know I’m being a brat, I can lock myself down tight, being sensible and stomping off very deliberately in the “right” direction.  I’ve found myself using mannerisms rather than manners and I know it’s time to find my own path.  How can I teach others to let their inner selves show if I can’t do it for myself, if I feel a need to put on a mask?

Saying goodbye to one stage in life and being open to not just the stage, but discovering joy-bits along the way.   And yes, some of it is just me being scared, wondering if I’ll find people who will allow me the joy of playing with them, chiseling them out of the marble and releasing them to the world…

My practical side is important, it’s the side of me that’s going to get swatches sewn this afternoon… but my squishy heart is important too.  One must join them.

 

I know this was more than slightly wandery, but I do type to think… did it make any sense at all?

 

 

 

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Preparing for change, a bit melancholy

  1. Jenny

    “I’m fairly well convinced that I’d have been a serious brat of a Pharisee if God hadn’t choke-chained me.” ~ditto

    He has good things planned for you, Hearth.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  2. superslaviswife

    I think we all need to change our lives up a bit as we move through new stages. I got a bit more used to that by moving house every year or two. You box everything up, get ready to move, and when you’re there a load of it gets given away, or put in storage, because the new place just doesn’t fit the things you used to own or do before moving. After a while you start seeing how few of your possessions and activities are central to your life, and how many are just part of “life as it is now”. It’s weird. You get that sensation of the end of an era every time you have to move again. It will all be different. And it’s sad, but it’s exciting.

    Like

    Reply
    1. hearthie Post author

      Yes. It is a bit of a shock to realize that after a life of moving around or otherwise embracing change regularly, I’ve been doing this SAHM gig for 16 years, 15 of them in the same house. Changes have occurred, of course, but … not big ones. I’m being normal me, trying to prep in advance and then wandering around all freaked out because I’m ready well before the party starts…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  3. Elspeth

    I actually feel you here a lot more than you might realize.

    Yes. We homeschool but for me, rather than something I embrace because of passionate conviction for homeschooling, it is more about aversion to the public system.

    Crunchy? Well…husband is not crunchy so those inclinations had to be tempered. The man is like yours too, when it comes to wifely aesthetics. Fix up, paint up, look cute, and modesty while good is far short of what one would consider standard uniform.

    I could go on but there is actually a point to this.

    Following Christ is about Christ alone and what He has done for us. To the extent that we get caught up in a *list* of things the perfectly perfect conservative wife and mother looks like, and accomplish the same, the greater our tendency toward pride. Good little Pharisees, and I have flirted with the temptation also.

    I wonder if we ever consider that God has a reason for putting some of us in the city or the suburbs, or situating our lives where we actually have more opportunity to cross paths with those a little different than us.

    We miss out on a lot when we look longingly over there and miss what is right in front of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. hearthie Post author

    Realizing that I’m going to have to cut CF down to once/wk and being a little sad about that AND shaking my head at the providence of God, Who brought me into BBC at night and hit me with the reality check that I just can’t do more workouts than that anyway.

    I feel like a confused sheep. Baaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nice grass we have here, but wasn’t I going over there??

    (Why? Because by the time I’ve eaten after CF, I have to take kids to school, then come home and shower and that cuts substantially into the hours I have for work sans kids. Plus “I need a nap” isn’t exactly a great attitude to bring to work).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. Booky McBookerson

    Change is always like that, even when you’re used to it as slaviswife said. You’ll be alright with your generally cheerful attitude. There are times I wish for a “normal” life but I have what I have for whatever reason. Believe me, I look back and wish I’d done a lot differently, but it is what it is. As the prophets say, normal is just a setting on the washing machine, lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  6. hearthie Post author

    Every year I do a different dance of “normalcy”…

    So, yeah…. I should warn everyone that this is how I get when I put a lot of energy OUT and it hasn’t started flowing back in. All scattered and frazzled and unsure of myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s