Yeah, I’m going to be open about this, it being part of the changes. Y’all know I’ve been crossfitting for a long time, but I hadn’t lost any weight. Well, I hadn’t lost any weight, because my body is awesome about telling me how much its burned. And I eat to appetite, good food, and … I don’t lose weight. * I’ve added a ton of muscle, I perform better than I did in HS… I’m in darn good shape under this coat of blubber. The year and a bit I’ve put in has been worth it. Every minute has been worth it.
One of the things I’m trying to figure out how to talk about is the changing that has to happen on the inside in order for the outside to manifest. I’ve gone on a billion (sometimes very extreme) diets to try to lose weight, but at none of those times was I ready to hold my own responsibility. I ceded that responsibility to those diets, trusting in their promises, following the rules as written … and working around them to continue not-to-be-hungry. I don’t like being hungry. :p
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. No matter how many type-of-food restriction diets I go on, what didn’t change was my mindset, and my immediate goal to not be hungry.
And that’s what had to change.
When I tracked my calories for a sample day, I was aghast… and that’s when I decided to give up trying to manipulate the situation, trying to manipulate reality, and just start counting the calories. Of course I’m keeping nutrition in mind… but I did that before. No change there.
More work. Less food.
It’s hard. It’s taking some getting used to. It takes a lot of self-control. I don’t like it. It’s working, mind you. But I’m not enjoying the ride.
I am, however, looking forward to the woman I am becoming.
I’m pushing hard in life right now. I’m bringing up parts of myself that I’ve buried for decades. I’m *pushing* myself to walk into those high-end stores with a straight spine and a smile for the salesgirl. I’m *pushing* myself to make eye-contact and shake hands and do the mini-connection. I’m *pushing* to say, “Good enough isn’t.” And I am well out of my comfort zone with the spending on clothes and makeup and grooming**. (Hey, I was a pretty cheap date!)***
I know where I want to go. Sometimes that freaks me out more than a little, but I know where I’m going. And, my dahlings, I know what the entry fee is. I’m putting it on the table, I’m willing to do the work.
When I just wanted to be exactly who I was, only thinner… I wasn’t ready to change. Maybe there’s someone out there who can do what I need to do and stay exactly the same – but not me. Everything that I’m doing is reinforcing everything else. And yes, I push hard and then I curl up in a ball and regroup the troops for a while – my rest time has gotten more intense. That’s okay too, finally I see the point of “work hard, play hard” … even if I’d add,”rest deeply, love well, laugh often” and a few others.
I don’t think that you can change your outsides and not change your insides, at least a little. If you do that, it’s just a costume, and you’ll dump it as soon as you get a chance. Your outside should reflect your inside, and be true to who you are. And even as I type that, I just got a little stab of introspection… maybe my outside *was* a good reflection of my inside.
Well enough. Change will take me a minute, but change I am.
Everything real starts inside.
*There is nothing that irritates me more than the automatic assumption that because I’m overweight, I eat crap. No. At some points in my life, I had times when I ate for reasons other than simple hunger, I put on weight, and I didn’t take it off. Years go by without me leaving a five-pound range. I eat so well that my doctor asked me how I got my kids to eat their vegetables. Rant over.
** Did the gel nail last week. Application was time consuming but it’s lasting. I have a few small chips a week later, and that’s a week I’ve spent body surfing, cleaning, doing stuff. Will keep you updated on damage/upkeep. Every 2-3 weeks in the salon getting it re-done.
*** Considering my audience, you’re wondering what my hubster thinks – my hubs’ primary reaction seems to be, “about time”. And some stress at me freaking out and blubbering all over him when I have breakdown moments – because there are breakdown moments. Love being married to a strong man who can deal with me on full blast. I know I’m crazy. This is me normally though. Run headlong until you run out of steam, fall over, cry a minute, sit a few minutes, get back up, walk a while, then start running again. I’ve buried the running too long, trying to be ‘balanced’. The real me isn’t ‘balanced’.