Angst

Changes are rough, people!  Today I got an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone, and I did.  And now I’m tired and coming down from my day… it’s a long story, curl up with a cuppa something nice.

So.  I’m a fairish skinned, blue-eyed white girl… and I was born and raised in SoCal.  I’ve never been much of a tanner, but it’s difficult to avoid the sun, especially in the face and upper chest – both areas get hammered constantly, any time I go outside or drive my car.

I hate stuff on my face.  Why do you think I don’t wear much makeup?  I don’t like the feel.  Guess what?  That means I don’t like sunscreen EITHER.  Oh, I wear it if I’m going to spend the day outdoors, but day to day… nope.  I like my vitamin D – and feel the better for it.

But it’s time to pay the piper.  I had my first basal cell taken off last month, and my doctor handed me a prescription for a cream that will burn off all the incipient skin cancers that are sitting around on my skin, not yet having gotten going.   Err – by giving me a month-long sunburn with blisters.  Everyone say hooray!  No?  Yeah.  I don’t have to use it.  I can hang out and wait for the cancers to come up, let the doc freeze or cut the rest off… eh.  There aren’t any great choices here, folks.  At least this choice should result in a “free” chemical peel.

No more not wearing sunscreen.  And I’ll want high-SPF sunscreen at that.   So I need to find something *good*, because I can’t cop out, this is my life now.

Well, fortunately one of my besties is a total product snob – and she directed me to Sephora and this stuff called Supergoop.  I trust her implicitly, but I want to make sure I don’t hate it before I drop the cash – it’s not inexpensive.   And my local Sephora doesn’t carry sunscreen… so that meant that I needed to go down to one of the “good malls”.

Oh, you remember that part of my business plan that involved hanging out at the “good malls” and learning what was out there, reentering the fashion pool?   So, today was that too – I was making sure to keep my body language loose, make eye contact, be friendly – in other words, not act like I normally act, which is like, “I’m really sorry that I’m taking up room that doesn’t belong to me here, I mean I know I’m not the mall-iot that you were hoping to see, I am unworthy”.  (It’s stupid.  It’s the truth of what I do, and it needs changing.  But it’s where I’m starting from, and why not be honest?)

Well. I eliminated that mall today!  It’s turned into a lifestyle mall – mostly about skincare, a few very trendy stores, and very rich women.  They don’t need my help!   That’s okay, process of elimination.  I was hoping to hang at malls closer to my house than the county seat, but maybe that’s not gonna happen.  Eh.    The Supergoop is good – and so is the very excellent foundation the girl hooked me up with.  (Aging faces change their makeup needs, and periodically we all need to revisit the tried-n-true.  My tried-n-true was settling into the fine lines and sitting on my skin.  And that happens with age.  Just a thing).

Which brings me to the other half of the angst.  The first half is just the amount of change going on – all the things that are lining up in my life to change how I’m living it.  The changes are taking me where I want to go, but -bigbreath- it’s a lot.  I’m excited about the work I’ve been able to do, what’s getting set up, and the changes I’m making – I mean, hello – finding some better makeup *was* on the “personal changes needing to be made” list.  (Ack, check how many times I used “change” in that paragraph!  Freudian slips much?)

But the second half is, “how do I market this?”  I KNOW I’m good at what I do – and I’ve been getting more practice lately, and I’m getting better.  Sharpening my skills.  Got my subscriptions to some of the fashion magazines showing up in the mailbox, refreshing my understanding of what’s available and coming up.   But… how do I do the marketing?  How does that change happen?

-bigbreath-  Like everything else going on in my life right now (and there’s plenty more), God’s got this.  God really is showing how He has everything hooked up, every day I see evidence.  But as I get lifted higher, more expectations bloom.   I honestly don’t know how God is going do to the things I know that He’s going to do.

An example would be how much sewing time I’ve gotten in the last couple of weeks.  I’ve been too sick to hit the gym, and I’ve been spending that extra energy in sewing.  I’ve made three dresses for my daughter in the past two weeks, a skirt for myself, adjusted a skirt pattern for her (that will be very simple to put together, and my mom bought fabric … I could have it ready by the end of tomorrow, easily).  Finally got DH measured for his custom shirt, got that muslin cut and ready to sew up… productivity?  Through the roof.  And I’ve averaged an analysis/day for the past 10 days.  Quickies, but good.

Change.

Angst.

I’m tired.  Change is hard.  It’s good.  But it’s hard.

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3 thoughts on “Angst

  1. superslaviswife

    Ouchie. 😦 Hope that the treatment works. FWIW, there are many immune-boosting foods that could help speed up treatment, fight any hidden cancer cells and give you some energy back. Have a look for immune-strength diets.

    And best of luck with the business still! Maybe you should invest in some large scale print outs of a particularly impressive before and after outfit change, so you can use them as reference when you have new clients?

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  2. Bike Bubba

    That treatment worked for a former pastor of my family’s. He was pretty red for a while, though. That said, he’s a natural redhead with a touch of rosacea to begin with, so we didn’t notice as much as we should have. :^) Hang in there.

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    1. hearthie Post author

      Thank you. 🙂 I’m going to slap it on after we get back from Spring break. I’m a dork… I thought, “I never tanned intentionally, I haven’t had a lot of burns, I’ll be fine” even though my dad gets stuff burned off all the time … actually that was an excuse, because he didn’t start the fun until his late 50s, and he’s a blonde with a red beard who used to surf. So since that wasn’t me, I’ll be fine! But because of that, I was right on top of that basal cell. FWIW if you need this info, having stuff frozen off hurts about as much as having a wound cleaned out with rubbing alcohol. Just stingy.

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